Rose-Tinted Hindsight

It may not be politically correct to say this but, on the whole, when all’s said and done, I like my children!

I like that no matter how unpleasant, mean or downright rude they can be to me and to their each other, I’m regularly told by friends and strangers how polite and thoughtful they are. I like that they each have their unique flaws (one has absolutely no filter between thought and mouth while another has an un-talent for spending money) and abilities (one daughter - I call her my Hallmark child - caresses you with her words and another has animal magnetism, literally). I like that they will all chat with ease to anyone they meet, that they are offended by rudeness and racism, that they still confide in me more than they hide from me, and that when I get ready to leave the house they rush to make sure I don’t leave without them (fomo is a real thing in our house, even if i’m only going to the supermarket).

I’m incredibly proud of them, their many achievements and their resilience in the face of more change than a lot of people experience in their entire lives. So it may seem a bit contradictory to say that I’m also their harshest critic; if I’m told that one of my children has got up no good, my instinctive response would be ‘oh no’ rather than ‘no they didn't’. Having said that, I’ve got a dreadful memory so, even before mindfulness made it trendy, where my kids are concerned I live in the moment and once something’s been dealt with I forget about it. Unless it’s funny and then I write about it. The advantage of this is, no matter how irritated or cross I am with a particular child at any given moment, in hindsight my children are quite good.

My problem is that occasionally I’ll be reminded of something one of them did wrong in the past and I’m not sure how to respond. I suffer guilt because I think if someone’s gone to the effort of remembering what my child did wrong, it must have affected them in some lasting way. I feel angst because I either don’t remember the incident or I do but in a vaguely quirky/humourous way (like my ‘biter’ sinking her teeth into her sister then telling me she was “just tasting her!”). And then I feel guilt again because I’ve made light of something that was maybe more traumatic than I’d realised. If the reminder comes from outside my family, it’s even more awkward. Is there an etiquette for such things? Do you make light of it or apologise again? And what if you don’t remember the incident? Do you ask for details?

Maybe there’s a lot to be said for a bad memory and rose-tinted hindsight.