Let’s Talk About Sex

Let’s face it, this probably isn’t in any parent’s top ten comfortable topics of conversations to have with their kids. When I was growing up, although it wasn’t exactly taboo, sex was definitely not something I talked to my parents about. My education came from school and friends so when I became a mum it was the one thing I chose to do differently. I wanted my children to know that there was no such thing as a taboo topic and that they could always come to me with their problems, questions or concerns.

Note to my younger self: be careful what you wish for!

Labels are helpful

I like labels. They make out very clear what’s what and where things go. I’ve always wanted one of those funny little sticker label printer things, although for the sanity of everyone in my life I’ve never had one. I make do with Sharpies instead.

So on the naming front I’m all for practical too. Rather than using euphemisms or cutsie pseudonyms we call things what they are. I totally respect everyone’s personal choice here but my approach does have the advantage of avoiding confusion if doctors are ever involved. Unfortunately, practical isn’t always socially acceptable, which became very obvious when my young daughter once fell and hurt herself…

I was at a toddlers birthday party, making polite conversation with an elderly couple, when she rushed over and between sobs loudly informed me that she’d bashed her vagina!

Unlike condoms, Sex Ed it isn’t one-size-fits-all. Where some parents might gloss over the details, and others avoid the topic entirely, I favour honesty and openness. I also think that the right time is as much about context as age. For example, my son’s friend was 5 when his mum told him that an erection is a sign that a man’s ready to get married. To add some context, the conversation arose (pardon the pun) after the boy saw mum’s partner walking naked to the bathroom one morning. While the explanation was probably right for her son, it caused panic among his friends when he shared his new ‘fact’ in the playground later that day!

But where did she come from?

My belief is that children let you know when they’re ready for knowledge. If they can articulate the question they’re probably ready for an (age-appropriately packaged) answer. I was pregnant with my fourth baby when my then eight and seven year-old children asked me how babies were made.

I gave them a factual but relatively vague answer, something like “a baby is made when an egg is fertilised by a sperm”, but that was clearly not cutting it. They pressed for more details; “yes, but where do they come from?” and “how did they get into you?” they asked. I did a quick mental run through of all possible answers - a special cuddle (open to confusion and more questions), a special kiss (ditto and untrue), magic/stork/gooseberry bush (um, no), I’ll tell you when you’re older (putting off the problem) - and considered sending them to ask my husband but I suspected he’d somehow distract them and leave it for me to answer later. The questions kept coming so I decided they were probably ready for the answer.

“I can tell you if you think you’re ready to know, but once you know you can’t un-know” I said. Then, remembering the incident with my son’s school friend, I followed up with “It’s something only a mummy or daddy can tell their child, so you absolutely must not tell any of your friends!”.

After a moments thought they decided they were ready, so I told them.

“Really? Yuck!’ was their response. And that was the end of it.

Or so I thought.

Last year, 16 years and 3 countries later, I was in a hotel having lunch with my husband when I saw a lady I recognised. She clearly recognised me too so we said hello, but neither of us could work out where we’d met before. We re-introduced ourselves, she told me about herself and her family, and it transpired her children had gone to the same primary school as mine. I told her my children’s names in case they were familiar.

“Ah, yes” she said “I remember your daughter. I’ll never forget the child who told my son where babies come from!”

The conversations I’ve had with my children are very different to the ones I remember my mum having with me because I wanted them to be able to tell me anything. Well, I definitely succeeded there.

The day after my eldest daughter had sex for the first time, she phoned to tell me “because I said I’d let you know when it happened”.  Um, thanks?!

But, while I was uncomfortable hearing it (and there have been many times since when it’s felt like she’s overshared or told me things I’d be just as happy not knowing) I was grateful that she felt comfortable confiding in me.  And it turned out she really needed to talk.

The sex itself was apparently unremarkable but the young man made quite an impression on my daughter in another way. At the last minute he failed to honour their agreement to use a condom.  The next morning, in a state of distress, my daughter took herself to her local sexual health clinic and had a full check-up.  Fortunately all the tests were clear. 

In-, Out-, Putting-It-About!

As well as letting me know she’s safe, her confidences give me an insight into modern dating that I wouldn’t otherwise have, which could come in handy if I ever decide to upgrade my husband.

A few months later we were sitting together when her phone pinged.  She glanced at it, looked at me and smiled as she said “good news.  I don’t have any STDs” 

She hadn’t mentioned any boyfriends or health concerns that would make this ‘news’ so I asked “is there any reason you thought you would?”

“No” she replied, “I haven’t had sex since that first time.”   

Now I was intrigued. “Why were you tested if you’re not having sex?” I asked

And her reply stunned me…

“When I went to the clinic that first time, they said they can do the tests by post and registered me for them.  Every week they send me a pack, so I mail them a sample and they text me the result.  They keep sending me the tests so I keep doing them.  Anyway, it’s better to be safe!”

When I finally stopped laughing and suggested she may be taking caution a bit too far, she said “Really?  I’m so worried about catching anything that before I kiss a boy I want to know he’s been checked.” 

“You seriously ask whether he’s been STD tested before you kiss?” I asked. 

“Sometimes” she said.  “`Also cold sores. The other night I was chatting to someone in a bar and as he leant in for a kiss, I put my hand up to stop him and asked if he’s ever had cold-sores.  He looked a bit confused then said ‘yeah, sure, in the past’.  So I walked away.  There’s no way I’m catching them either!”

My daughter may have taken caution to the extreme but I admire her commitment; it’s always better to be safe than sorry. Maybe I’ll get her to have the ‘birds and bees’ talk with my youngest two!