Just One Of Those Things

I am so ANGRY!  What gives someone the right to send unsolicited intimate or pornographic images and videos of himself to a stranger? What kind of twisted mind must he have to believe it’s OK, let alone enticing or attractive? 

Two years ago my daughter was assaulted. The first time was in the lunch queue at school.  When she told me, months later, I was shocked that it had happened but also that she hadn’t come to me straight away.  She said she’d wondered if it was just one of those things that happens at school in England.  She was the new girl and had already struggled, as an expat child coming from a very different environment, to fit in.  Maybe it was a dare to see how the new girl would react, or maybe the boy actually got a thrill from shoving his hand up my daughter’s skirt.  She said she didn’t know what to do, that she was too shocked and embarrassed to make a fuss, so she just moved away.  Maybe if she’d had a real friend to confide in or if she’d been quick enough to turn and confront whoever did it, she could have stopped it.  Instead, she kept quiet.  The next day it happened again, and then again a few days later.  She told me that over the course of several months it happened repeatedly, at random intervals, but because the cafeteria was so busy (there are over 1200 children at the school) she never worked out whether it was different boys or just one.  Increasingly she avoided going into the cafeteria, preferring to have lunch alone rather than risk being groped in order to sit with her friends.  

Over time I noticed my daughter become less confident and more withdrawn, but I put it down to our relocation and thought she was homesick.  I don’t think she would ever have said anything, except that one day she was invited to a party.  I was so happy when she went shopping and came home with a new outfit – not the usual baggy trackies and hoodie but nice jeans and a party top.  She spent the afternoon getting ready with a friend and looked lovely, and confident.  At the party she had a couple of drinks but mostly danced and had fun… she was dancing in a group of friends when a boy she vaguely recognised started dancing with them too.  He turned to face her and the next thing she knew, he’d shoved one hand down her top and tried to put the other down her trousers.  After months of holding it all in, my daughter had her first panic attack; her heart pounded, she couldn’t breathe and she was crying and shaking.  The mum of the party host evicted the boy then suggested my daughter go and sit in a ‘quiet area’ in the garden.  Unbelievably, as my daughter was recovering, another boy decided to try his luck.  He grabbed her, pinned her down and tried to force himself on her.  I can’t imagine how terrifying this must have been but I do know that his actions and those of his peers had a lasting impact on my daughter and my family.  We’re all very familiar with the signs of an impending panic attack now, which can strike without warning in the most unpredictable of settings, like halfway through my nephews christening, and she’s learning to manage situations where she’s not in control (even school exams require special seating arrangements).  

Today it’s been 1 month since my daughter’s last panic attack (a massive improvement from the ten a day she was having at one point), but last night she received a message and video from a stranger which I thought would break the streak.  Someone, absolutely not a friend, has apparently shared her contact details on a dating website, prompting several unwanted messages and the video which reduced her to tears.  I think it was the shock more than the content which upset her, that someone had gone to the trouble of making the video and invaded her space with his images.  It’s not OK but as the young man who sent it is in France (we know his location and contact details) there’s not much we can do from here except report him and block him.  Well, there is one other thing I can do.  With my daughter’s permission I’m sharing her story and asking that you share it too.

Because as much as we want to protect them, our children need to know that:

- Consent is important.  No-one has the right to force themselves on another person.

- Sharing explicit images ISN’T a joke, it’s illegal. 

Oh, and if you have teens, they need to know that sending a nude IS a big deal. Sending an unsolicited nude photo can lead to a permanent criminal record 

AND if they send it to someone under 18 they also get a place on the sex offenders register

GETTING HELP

If you know a young person who has experienced abuse of any kind, or who you think needs someone to talk to, the following websites offer advice and contact details for support services

www.thehideout.org.uk (UK)

www.breakthecycle.org (US)

www.burstingthebubble.com (AUS)