Back To School
Nearly 24 years of parenting and four children adds up to LOTS of ‘back-to-school’s.
21st century friends are always connected
For my kids, the last week of summer holidays tends to be filled with anxiety and nerves about forgotten homework and reconnecting with friends after long summers apart or, more often and in some ways less daunting, navigating new schools and making new friends.
For me, the week is usually spent deciphering uniform lists (the real answer to world peace is a single universal policy on shoe styles and skirt lengths!), fighting off tears (mine & theirs) while shopping for the contents of the uniform list, and debating need vs want (particularly regarding the latest Nike trainers, Lamy pens, designer bags or Apple products), often while trying to settle us into a new house, country, or both.
This year, for the first time, I feel like I’ve finally nailed it – by which I mean that despite plenty of last-minute challenges my girls embarked on their first day back at school suitably clothed, shod, with all obligatory accessories (bags, stationery and lunch) and without tears! Whether that’s because I only have two children in school now or because they’re more self-sufficient, it feels easier so I’m claiming a win.
To be fair preparations started two weeks ago when youngest daughter, whose uniform was already too small in June, asked if we could go and buy her new skirts and shirts. After a few days of procrastinating, I gave in and we headed over to the uniform shop, which turned out to be a good move. For reasons that are still unclear, the only stockist of my daughter’s uniform has chosen not to sell the skirts or skorts her school requires, and shirts seem to be one-size-fits-all (tailored to fit the child post-purchase). Luckily M&S had skirt options and when we went back to collect the shirts two days ago, I felt slightly smug bypassing the queues of stressed-out last-minute parents. That feeling quickly faded when she tried everything on last night, realised the skirts were too long, and I had to find an emergency tailor able to make the alterations – before school this morning.
There's more than one path to success
The last few days have presented unexpected challenges with middle daughter too, but on a grander scale. Unlike most UK schools, my daughters’ school here doesn’t have automatic upward progression, and that includes into the second year of GCSEs and A’levels. If the school’s minimum required grades aren’t achieved, children must either repeat the year or drop the subject. While my daughter was acing one of her A’levels (literally A*) and making good progress in another, she didn’t make the grade for the third. The school gave us two choices – drop the subject or repeat year 12. She needs the subject for her first choice of university and degree so option one means rethinking her university ambitions, but option 2 means starting all her subjects from scratch, returning to school the year below her friends, and potentially missing out on a gap year. It’s a tough choice and I’m not sure what the right one is, but I am certain my daughter will make the right choice for her.
Wisdom comes from experience and ironically this week - the week before school - the back-to-school lessons finally became clear:
Plan Ahead!
- It seems obvious now but it really pays to read the kit list in plenty of time. Uniform rules change, it’s a pain (and potentially costly) if you didn’t get the memo, and life is infinitely calmer if you pre-order.
- In my experience shoes often cause the most tears and tantrums. School shoes sell out quickly so unless your child is uniquely willing to wear whatever style is available in their size, shop in July! Just buy two pairs in different sizes - if you can’t return one pair, I guarantee there will be a parent willing to buy them from you at a premium the week before school starts!
If you didn’t shop in July, be prepared for it to cost you twice (the shoes they need, now, and the shoes they want, in a month when the first pair have inexplicably developed gaping holes). Alternatively, concede defeat and agree to buy the shoes they want - half a size too small or three sizes too big doesn’t really make you a bad parent!
- It also pays to plan for their future. Whether your child dreams of being a sports star or sports teacher, encourage their aspirations, talk about the knowledge and skills they’ll need to get there, and start saving. They will probably change their mind several hundred times, but the reality is that whatever they finally land on, it will almost certainly be funded by the bank of mum or dad!
- Have back-up plans. Set alarms on a phone and clock. Be ready for toothpaste/milk/jam accidents with spare uniform. Double check fuel, oil & tyre-pressure, and have other parents and/or school reception on speed dial just in case. Keep a to-go bag with water, snacks, ziplock bags, tictacs, tissues, and a handful of coins in your car.
Let Go!
- Prepare for failure. No matter how smart or capable your children are, there will come a time when things go wrong - they’ll forget their sports kit, fall out with a friend, or worse. In many cases it would be tempting and easy to step in, but these are learning, potentially habit forming, moments (take it from the parent who wishes she’d said no to the first ‘can you just bring…’ phone call) so sit back and allow them to sit with the discomfort. You’ll be glad you did.
- Talking of failure, your child is more than the sum of their reports and grades. Modestly celebrate wins (one social media post is plenty) and be understanding when there aren’t any. Disappointment is a far greater motivator than anger, and encouragement is more effective still, but all things in moderation.
- Support extra-curricular interests, particularly ones which take place in school and extend the school day by an hour or two. Exceptones involving early mornings or long distance driving (you will become the team taxi), payment up-front for the term (they’ll want to stop in week 3) or investment in large and expensive instruments (they’ll want to stop in week 3 and you’ll have a permanent reminder of your weakness).
- The go-to mummy instinct is to stop your child’s pain but really, it’s the kiss and cuddle that makes kids (of all ages) feel better. Whatever the cause, let go of the need to fix and just listen instead. Ask questions rather than providing suggestions or solutions. This shows that you care but also that you have confidence in your child and their ability to cope, which builds self-belief and independence.