"give me your phone"

"no!"

"Give Me Your Phone!"

"No!"

"GIVE ME YOUR PHONE! NOW!"

"why?"

"because I'm going to take it and smash it!"

Social media would have us believe in a nirvana where children are always perfectly polished and smiling, never a sibling squabble in sight. If you believe what you see, your friends also have a far more impressive social life than you and when something goes wrong they can laugh it off with a shrug and "you'll never guess what happened"! It's no wonder mental health is such a problem; everyone is striving to be perfect and people don't feel like they can be honest about what's really going on.

I'm not proud to say that the above conversation (loud enough to be heard outside) was between me and my middle daughter this morning and, although this may seem comical when you realise that I was the one who threatened to smash the phone, it's the rest of the exchange that left me wondering who I am and how I could have handled this better. It started with a sibling squabble over something being moved (frustratingly it was an act of kindness to stop it being damaged) leading to "she kicked me" because the middle daughter had swung her feet in anger. No contact was made but I think that was luck rather than intent. Middle daughter got a lecture about violence, double standards (she can't get cross about people touching her things when she treats everyone else's things and rooms like communal property) and then things went wrong. I told her to bring me her phone and go to her room; she gave me a defiant look and said no. I repeated myself and she said she hadn't done anything wrong. I started counting; she gave me the most withering look and asked why she should listen to me. As I held my hand out for the phone she walked away and started to mutter that I'm not a mind reader, she wasn't actually kicking her younger sister and why should she give me her phone when her older sister never has to give up her phone when she's rude. There was a brief comedy moment when she stood, hands on the dining table between us, belligerently asking how I was going to make her give up her phone after I had chased her around the table twice. By the time I'd followed her into the hall we were like two sparring boxers and I'd had enough. My frustration and complete impotence in the face of a defiant 12-year-old as tall and physically strong as me who then asked "why the hell should I" ended with me slapping her across the cheek.

The phone has now been surrendered and put away.

Middle daughter went and angrily crashed out 'jingle bells' on the piano 20 times, then came and apologised for behaving badly.

I have a headache, feel like a failure and am trying to decide whether my children are well behaved and polite because of all the times I didn't smack them or because of the once-in-a-blue-moon times I did.

A few days ago Scotland made smacking children illegal. It's a good law, grounded in common sense and a need to protect children. I feel strongly that violence doesn't fix things and children need to be protected. BUT if it had been England I couldn't have shared this story. Would it have changed the series of events that shaped my morning? Would I honestly, in that moment, have thought 'stop, don't break the law!'? I don't know but I think we all have a responsibility to be more honest, particularly on social media. Parenting is a really tough job so let's shout it from the rooftops when something goes well but also share and support when it doesn't.